I hate my roommates. They stay up all night on speed blasting music. They eat my food. They're unemployed. They've destroyed the carpet and my sanity! What should I do?

Signed,

Prisoner in My Own Hovel

Welcome to the Sunny Mission. Where'd you come from? Iowa? If you decide to stay, you can get a job as a stripper or a messenger, get addicted to speed then heroin, freak out, and go back to Iowa. Or you can follow Aunty Social's advice and complain loudly and often to those around you about your plight until someone offers you a room in a sane household. Good luck, it should take about 4 or 5 years!

My family has been bugging the shit out of me for as long as I can remember, and lately it seems to be getting worse. Should I tell them how lame they are, or should I just let them go on deluding themselves and leave it at that?

 

Sincerely,

Duty Bound in San Francisco

I guess that's why you're writing Aunty instead of seeking advice from the folks at home. San Francisco is full of black sheep who can't stand their miserable families. And it's no wonder. Odds are, you kin are a bunch of Olestra-eating Dole-supporters who find time to bag you between episodes of Baywatch. Informing them of their moronic ways will neither change their habits nor plump your takings when they croak. So take Aunty's advice, move often and leave no forwarding address. Don't worry when someone important dies, you'll hear about it.

My parents constantly harangue me about my low status and lower pay as a messenger. I'm fairly content now to just hang and do my thing, but their constant disapproval is a thorn in my side.

Signed,

Firstborn Failure

This is a common messenger plight. You can go back to school and get a straight job, make loads and then have a midlife crisis when you realize the important things in life are free and you've been chasing false promises, etc. OR you can be glad you have such a deep appreciation for life and feel lucky that you have few needs and expectations. This is the path of both the wise and the happy. Besides screw your family. Who says you weren't adopted?

My boyfriend dictates everything I do: what I should eat, how I should do my hair, even what kind of fabric my t-shirts are made of (he says 50/50 looks better, but I think it makes me sweat). He acts like he's the boss and I'm sick of it!

Sincerely,

Sick of the Dick

Get a spine, sucker! Some people will power trip as much as they're allowed. Which means that with a wuss like you in the picture, he'll have you on your hands and knees licking the grout between his bathroom tiles. But then, some people get off on that. Happy lapping!

The more I've been biking, the more I start phreking out on out everyone! I find myself cussing out peds, clients, cars, police, even (or especially) other bikers. I'm losing it, and I sound like a babbling street freak. I can't deal with all this aggro energy. Help! I'm at the end of my rope.

Signed,

Loose Cannon

Loose screw is more like it. And tight asshole. Remember -- if you're going to stress out, at least get a job that pays better for it. What's to stress, my messenger friend? Motorists are assholes? DUH. Suits are snotty pricks? No kidding. Nobody cares if you pedal around with steam coming out your ears. The objects of your rage are driving by in luxury cars talking shit about you on their cell phones and laughing between sips on Frappucino. Stop fuming because the sun rises in the morning -- and switch to decaf.

After mocking my fellow messengers for years about their hemorrhoid misfortunes, I've finally succumbed to the swollen A. I feel like I've got a permagrundy. I've tried switching seats and padded shorts. All to no avail. I'm in pain all day at work, but I can't afford to take time off. Help!

Thanks,

Fat Ass

OUCH! That's gotta hurt. But as you point out, this is divine retribution for your past indelicacies and lack of compassion. Well, punishment is not supposed to be fun. I say try a cushier seat, keep padding your butt and use some over the counter ass cream. Aunty has never used the stuff on her backside, but I did accidentally brush my teeth with some extra strength hole lotion years back and my gums were pulled back so tight on my teeth I looked like a rapid dog baring fangs to a wild ferret. Seemed to work ok.