yes it's true,
you can get a dui on your skateboard!

well let's see, i had just come from one of those great frat keggers at puke university when i was one of those punk rock shit heads in durham n.c.

it was really late like 3am and after being woken up by one of the people that lived there, i guess, and was told that the hallway was not the place for me to sleep. so they informed me that i should go to my house or to hell or whatever, just get the fuck out. cuz i wasn't invited in the first place.

well i got up staggered/stumbled out with my skate and whatever dignity i head left.

now if i can remember, skating drunk was nothing new to me so thought i was doing fine until it was decided that i was decided that i was a super cool pro skater and started attempting do those rad tricks. you know... now how was i to know that the cops were watching me make a total fool of myself, when it happened, i fucked up, big time!

now trying to jump numerous stairs and failed miserably, flying 15 to 20 feet on my hands and face, when the cops decided that something wasn't right, yeah me, so they come over to where i was lying and said something to the extent of "your wasted ain't ya?" well i think i said something like "yeah so fucking what." that did it right there, they picked me up off of my final resting place when they noticed ,"hey this weirdo from pluto is pickled." well i think i said something like, "oh yeah man super buzzed ya know." the cops all thought that was cute, so they threw me in the car and carted me off to the cop shop to receive the drunk loser tests.

i had passed out in the back of the car, and i think i puked cuz i seem to recall one of them saying, "ah jesus not in my car you asshole!" when i finally came to there was some cop doc telling me i'm not breathing into the machine hard enough, so i had to tell him that i don't give blow jobs to cops. he thought that was really cute so he decided that the breath test wasn't effective enough, so i got the alky blood test. the results came back and the dude said, "damn this guy's got enough of almost everything i him, he sould be dead." to whici i replied, "i wish i was" cuz by then the drugs and booze had worn off, in combo with the great face plant i had done to get me here in the first place. well they went through the whole rigamarole, called my folks and they said well he's a big boy now so let him sober up and kick him out, thanx guys.

well 24 hours and one of the worst hangovers in history led me to find myself out on the steps of silly hall on of course one of the brightest days in history without any eye shades cuz they thought my sunglasses were better than theirs so they kept them. well at least they let me keep my skate and informed me that those damn things were going to kill me. i thanked the nice public servants for a job well done keeping the streets safe from drunk punks on skateboards and went home finally.

now of course they gave me a ticket and a nice day to come back and have a great discussion with a judge who after reading the police report looked over at the nice officers and said, "you arrested a kid who had just received a fall on the head for drunk driving a skateboard?! why didn't you see if he had severe head trauma, huh?" well the cops looks at each other and said, "duh i dunno. we thought he was all right. he seemed coherent." the judge looked at them with a stern grimace and said "you morons. if he seemed coherent then why did you bring him in for being drunk? how many durnks do you know that are coherent?" good question, i thought to myself. the judge then finally looked at me with this "i'm sorry" look on his face, quite disconcerting seeing as i had a nice purple mohawk at the time, and he said, "you've had enough to this crap, huh?"

i replied, "ya sure ya betcha," and the judge looked at the two cops twiddling their thumbs, shook his head, looked at me, and told me to be more careful next time and to get the fuck out of his cortroom. as i was making my egress i could hear the judge giving the cops the business end of his gavel.

needless to say i never got drunk at night on my skate and did stupid stunts, i walked home from keg parties. now i ride my bike home from keggers, hmmmm?

finis
­ mikey