VOD#3, Horrorscope

If you were born on this month...
You better be having a huge party and invite us, otherwise, you will never win the lottery. Neveh eveh neveh eveh!

Sagittarius. 'Tis the season. It's far better to give than receive, especially STDs. So use a condom, buy Migraine a beer, and donate to your favorite charity. Our address is.... Small, unmarked bills please. Happy Christmas/Kwanzaa/ Hanukkah/Yuletide/Winter Solstice/Jim Morrison's Birthday!
Capricorn. Sometimes there's arsenic in your tylenol. Sometimes there's e. coli in your apple juice. Sometimes there's acid in your rain. But once, every once in a while, the prize at the bottom of the Cracker Jack box makes it all worth all.
Aquarius. "It's the dawning of the age of Aquarius, age of Aquarius..." This month go buy a stack of $1 records at Community Thrift. Your roommates will be thrilled to hear those Fifth Dimension, John Denver, and Joan Baez tunes they grew up with.
Pisces. The stars reveal that in the future: you'll be seeing stars! Let's hope it means a trip down to Hollywood instead of an Examiner truck going 70 mph or a loving tap on the head with a lead pipe. Be very polite to everyone and wear full body armor this month.
Aries. Aries are two-faced, egotistical, hypocritical, and hardheaded. But I mean the one's I've met, not you. If you are that hardheaded, you don't need a helmet this month. Your head's probably too big too fit it anyway, but I mean that in a nice way.
Taurus. Get that piercing you've always wanted, you bullheaded bohemian. You might regret down the road, but since you're too stubborn to admit it, what's the dif? Go forth, my child, and da no more.
Gemini. Have you been struggling to improve your life in a meaningful way? Well, pulling yourself up with your own bootstraps usually results in your shoelaces untied and you lyng on your back, looking dang silly. But, it could prove to be an entertaining party trick.
Cancer. This is an excellent opportunity to give the Laurie in your life a check for $126. If Harvey won't front you the money, then selfless devotion will suffice. If you don't know any Laurie's then maybe that's what's wrong with your life.
Leo. Have you been fantasizing about titanium spoke nipples and clipless pedals? Well, wake up already-and take that old Bay Area Rapid company bike out for a spin. Then you'll at least have an excuse to go as slow as you do, Rookie.
Virgo. Been standing-by too long? Patience is a virtue. So guzzle espresso all day while getting hypothermia at 1 Sansome and your virtue will surely be rewarded... with a 45-pound box going up Nob Hill on a hot rush. Virtue is it's own reward, so don't expect a tip.
Libra. Is your scale feeling unbalanced? A little tipsy? Maybe 40 ounces off? Well, help is across the street. Right now. Go over to the Golden Anchor and tell Frank that the Voice of Da sent you. To which he'll reply: "Excuse me? I don't think you need anymore today."
Scorpio. "I'm too stoned/Not stoned enough." This is your mantra for the month. Repeat it frequently, especially in front of bosses or clients. Smoke as much proj as you possibly can-and if you forget to do anything important, then maybe it just wasn't that important in the first place.

Follow the Cycles of the Moon! Outlaw Fixed Gear Races