Issue
3 - Winter 1996
MISS DA MEANER
ME AND MR. CAB
Is there a Dr. Kavorkian in the House?
Someone has just swallowed a lie, and they can't seem to spit it out. We tried the Heimlich maneuvers and CD RIP VCR.
So you think you're a free spirit. Well, you got what you paid for, Chump. Once he was thought of as quite the Renaissance Man, but upon closer scrutiny it became blatantly clear that his release was actually the Dark Ages, probably related directly to the Inquisition.
Accept no substitutes. I refuse to tolerate those with PhDs, STDs, IUDs, or IOUs. They say that you can't keep a good man down. You can also make them say a lot of other foolish statements. Sometimes you got to just pick yourself by the boot straps and run for cover 'cause here it comes again.
Just when it seems that nothing else could go wrong YOU WAKE UP and the nightmares begin in earnest. Ain't life grand? But you must remember that the more you put into anything, it's in direct ratio to the level of fun and rage you'll fell when it burns, breaks, is ripped of completely, just fucking explodes, or never works in the first place. You're the mobile home and I'm the tornado.
Just for laughs, try this gag sometime. You get on crowded elevator. Scope on which floors the people are pressing. Your soon-to-be victim: a person going to one of the upper floor and will be of the same gender and relatively same age (same race is a plus but not necessary a prerequisite), so you say to them, "Hey, I know you from somewhere. Did you go to public school around here?" Who cares how they respond because the next thing you say is: "Oh now I remember, we were slammed together in Folsom. You were down on some sort of postal violation, some kind of kiddy porn deal. Hell, don't you remember, when you and your partner Fancy-Dancing Francy, had Swapping Lou do that freelance colon-testing on that 18-year-old butt virgin. I bet that little punk can't sit down without thinking of that wild train ride-all aboard! This is my floor. Maybe I'll be seeing you on COPS, ha ha."
It's like a wise man I know once said, "Hey fuck, we're out of beer. I'm gonna hit the store. You got any to kick in?"
Hey, I killed the motherfucker and I invented the Etch-a-Sketch, so do you wanna dance? We're all suffering from anorexia of the soul, so we shoot up lard. So I'm riding down an elevator, just me and this really old business dude, when we pass the 40th floor and we're in the express mode. I pull that emergency stop, look over at the freak, and say, "I got a hard on; push the button back in."
-A. F. McIlroy
Photo by Robert Joseph