HORRORSCOPE

IF YOU WERE BORN THIS MONTH...
child-labor laws would definitely prevent you from being a bike messenger.


ARIES (March 21 - Apr. 19). Hey, Doormat! Scrub off the boot prints and let Calgon take you away. Haven't you worried enough about what other people think of you? Start talking shit about them instead. Spread vicious rumors about your co-workers, dispatcher, and ex's, and that way we'll have something to write about.

TAURUS (Apr. 20 - May 20). Taureans need the security of a stable income. So what in the fuck are you doing being a bike messenger? If you don't sell proj already, start today. And if you weren't always right, you'd learn from your mistakes. If they have a moustache and reek of donuts, this time DON'T sell to them.
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20). The stars reveal to me that... you secretly like to dress in Gramma's clothes and cruise around on a pink Schwinn seeking shuffleboard tournaments. Well, keep yer head up and your moth closed, 'cos that puck could hurt.

CANCER (June 21-July 22). Don't cry over someone else's bike being stolen, 'cos I just stole yours! And you know what? You're a lousy mechanic. take better care of the next one. This month you won't have to sympathize with other people's problems, you'll have plenty of your own!
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22). Since you spend so much time gazing into mirrors, I can't believe you haven't noticed what's hanging form your nose. Those dark circles under your eyes make you look like a raccoon. Since you'll be up all night anyway, go for the gusto ­ root through your neighbors garbage and get into noisy fights. Just remember to wash everything in the river before you eat it.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sep. 22). Vengeance is mine, sayeth Virgo this month. For too long have you put up with other people's imperfections, been the uncomplaining peon doing all the leftover boonda tags and listening patiently to your dispatcher's griping about his ex-wife. Do it­just blow your top. Go for it: file that law suit, spit in that beer, snap that break cable. Revenge is sweet ­ as long as you floss, Homefry.
LIBRA (Sep. 23-Oct. 22). Pack rain gear? Leave it at home? Schrader? Presta? Triple espresso? Decaf? Make up your fucking mind!!!! If you choose not to decide then you have still have made a choice. Spandex? Wool? The Wall? The Park? It's never gonna stop... put your foot down and deal. Left foot? Right foot?

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21). Your beard is getting a little long there, Buddy. People have been making pilgrimages to your magic well to cure their gout. Get out, you hermit! blow the cloister action. Your friends all think you're dead, and the wake was great, but you missed it! C'mon back to life.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). This month will breathe oxygen mixed with nitrogen. You are sure to eat food. At the beginning of the month you will wake up, and subsequently go back to sleep. Even now, you are probably reading something. It is printed in yellow type. Eerie, huh?

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). I know you're in love with everyone around you, but whom do you sleep with more than anyone else? Well, it ain't Abraham Lincoln. Go ahead, talk dirty to yourself on your answering machine. Sigh as you bike past tinted windows on the street. Impress yourself with fancy freestyle bike tricks and sexually harass yourself at work!

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 21). Be nice to the people you work closely with (bandmates, fellow bikers). Buy them a round of Ben & Jerry's. Remember they are not all making fun of you, 'cause when it comes to making a food of yourself, baby, you're da shit! @ the end of the month, buy blue chip stocks.

PISCES (Feb. 22-Mar. 20). Y'know, Pisces, fish are vertebrates. Ya got a backbone; use it for something besides holding up yer Zo bag. Fish also don't need bicycles last I heard.
[Cover] [Letters to Ed] [Messenger Stories] [Talking Union] [Nature Column] [Cars]
[Mikey Stewart's Living / Miss Da Meaner] [Horrorscope] [Rides 'n' Races]
[BAAR Report] [Christmas Is Canceled] [Mensclub] [Da Music] [Messenger Sex]