So, you all have an over abundance of old, used up, or otherwise defunct bikestuffs lying around your place, huh? Welly, well, well! What to do with all those old tubes, chainrings, etc.

Okay, let's start with the tubes. Got holes in the space between the window and the windowsill? Think weather stripping! Try this: take the old holey tube, cut it apart to make one long piece, then cut it in half down the middle so it is no longer a tube, but now a flat piece of rubber. Measure it to your window and nail or staple it to either the window or the sill depending on where the wood is... carefully, so you don't break the glass, and have to explain to your landlord that you were trying to fix the house with old bike parts you read about in some silly mess 'zine. Attach it so there is some space between the window (or sill) to make an air pocket of sorts and viola! You have just weather stripped your non-code window so those winter breezes don't interfere with your eight hours of hibernatin'.

Now, you've got some old greasy chain rings lying around, right? Right. Clean them with you're favorite cleanser [in honor of Hale-Bopp, try Comet!­ed.], find some chainring bolts with the spacers and put two rings together like you would if you were putting them on yer bike (minus the crank arm of course!). Big ring on the bottom, spacers in the middle, and smaller ring on top. you have yourself what's known as a trivet, which is what you put underneath a pot of hot stuff (like a big, boiling pot of gravy!!!). This keeps the heat off of the table so you don't scorch a nice pot mark in the table cloth. This one is especially cool when having dinner guests over. They exclaim, "Wow, what a genius you are!" to which you tell them that you read about it in VOD!

That's it for now until next time when we discuss old tires as cold rubber whips (and chains!!).
­ C'ya, Mikey

Help-
I think I'm turning into Homer Simpson. What can I do? (Sorry Duff.) ­ Diamond Joe Quimby

Dear Homie,
Drooling on yourself and showing butt crack are not the best ways to pick up chicks, but certainly your local doughnut shop knows you by name. That's something to be proud of, right? Just avoid the ones with the sprinkles and change your shirt once in a while and you're cured, honey! ­ Miss DaMeaner

Dear Miss DaMeaner,
I have recently been experiencing discomfort while riding my bicycle. My coochie becomes so inflamed that I cannot service my man without experiencing an inordinate amount of pain. Can you suggest an ointment or a new saddle I might try? ­ Dolores Payne

Dear In Flames,
Tiger balm is not my first choice in this case! Try having your man apply cold applesauce and then eat it when the inflamed area is cooled. He gets a snack before dinner and you get some pleasure out of your pain. Let me know how you're doing in a few weeks! In the meantime, women's bike seats can be as cheap as $30 and make every difference in the world. Toss those shinny, plastic men's seats off Pier 7. ­ Love, D

Dear Miss Bee-Itch,

Are you little Miss DaMeaner or are you in fact an actual misdemeanor? Do the more you miss, the meaner you get or what? Why don't you leave all those poor people alone, you miserable whore? Just where do you get off making fun other (albeit stupider than yourself) people? I'll be happy if you can answer at least one of these questions for me. By the way my name is Hinky Winkersnapper and I'm from South Dakota. I'm gonna move to San Francisco and become a bike messenger too, cuz I read in your column that it's really cool! ­ Hinky W.

My dearest Hinky,
That's Miss Da Meaner to you, cocksucker! What? Should I leave people alone to their miserable problems and only answer your questions? Don't worry about other people being abused, they ask for it just like you, stupid! (I'm sure they appreciate your concern). By the way, are you related to Stinky Wizzleteets? People don't move to SF from SD and become messengers; they become Castro bartenders and star in animal porn flicks! ­ Thanks for writing, MdM

Dear Miss DaMeaner,
Why are you watching me? Stop watching me? Who are you people?! ­ Signed, You Know Who

Dear Paranoid,
You know all those derelicts you encounter in your daily travels? Well... they're all aliens and have been abducting you in your sleep! They do horrible things like unraveling your navel. If you're not good, they'll put you eyes back in backwards, when they're done playing pool with them! ­ MdM

Tell all your troubles to Miss Dameaner and have her solve everything. Contact: Dameaner@sirius.com