Inquiring Minds Department

A column in this month's Details magazine (April 1997, "Affair play") includes the following:

". . . she went to a party last night held by a bunch of bike messengers, otherwise known as one-night stand machines . . . and I don't think I need to tell you what it's like to have sex with someone who gets paid to ride a bike for a living."

Well, what is it like? We polled a bunch of bike messengers and their loved ones, and here's what we came up with:

• After he hops off of you, he immediately Kryptos you to a parking meter.
• When you ask if she's coming, she says "Geez, I'm almost there, traffic is really bad."
• If it takes you too long to come he charges you waiting time.
• He expects to be evaluated on how quickly he gets the job done, and gets annoyed when you make him stand by instead of sending him off to screw someone else.
• After he drops the condom in your wastebasket, he asks you to sign for it.
• He gets uncomfortable when you want to mess with his package or hold his sack.
• At least he'll always ask for permission to slip it.
• When you call later to say you think you got herpes from her, she says that if you don't have a P.O.D. she really can't do anything.
• He dislikes, but is used to being asked to take the back entrance.
• During moments of intimacy, he'll cry out. "Get Hot, Rookie!"
• Her preferred position is the Bunny Hop.
• If you don't want to sleep with him, he'll still expect 2 bucks for a dry run.
• If it's loose, he'll gladly tighten your bottom bracket.
• No matter how much she may like you, the chances of getting her to join you in a shower are slim to nil.

­ compiled by Mariah, Joe, Pat and America

"There is a pleasure in being mad which none but madmen know." - Dryden