AMAZIN' BUT TRUE MESSENGER STORIES
by Lance Mitchell

FIRST AND LAST DAY

So Dung Boy is tellin' me, he had this rookie trainee out of Aero, and they're riding up Steuart on to Mission, then Fremont, and the guy is followin' Dung Boy, like a good rookie. Out from beneath the ground, roaring, a giant truck comes barrelling up the loading zone ramp, out onto Fremont without even slowing down, right behind Dung Boy, right behind where the rookie should be. He hears the sound ­ you know, that sound, that horrible sound.

So Dung Boy turns around, and the truck is stopped right where his trainee was, and you know Dung Boy's thinkin' "Oh my god." He rides up, just as the guy comes crawling out from under the truck ­ from out of the tangled Aero bike.

He stands, miraculously unscathed and says to Dung Boy, "That's it. I quit."

Dung Boy said he never saw that dude again.

J-BONE'S CLOSE CALL

Second and Market, J-Bone comes around the corner. Now J-Bone has a big green mohawk. He is highly visible but street cars just can't stop as fast as might be desired.... He goes down in front of the thing, and the train is trying to stop, and J-Bone is being pushed down the tracks beneath this giant hunk of metal. Finally it stops ­ the steel wheel just inches from his head.

J-Bone doesn't move, he's OK but he doesn't move. Even his bike is OK but he remains still. He's a bit shaken ­ maybe suffering from a slight case of shock.

He waits, but no one comes to see him. He hears the doors open; no one is talking. He sees their feet exiting the train in silence. Lastly the driver steps off the car ­ his keys jingling. He stands with the all-too-quiet crowd.

Realizing what is happening, J-Bone climbs out from under the train.

Man, you should have seen the looks on their faces.

I WITNESS REPORT

So I'm cleaned up at 725 Battery. I'm tryin' to check in. I'm standin' on the stairs lookin' at the intersection of Broadway and Battery. Back then the freeway came down right there, so there's cars whizzing every which way, and then here comes Crud, on his one-speed, across the street ridin' the wrong way out Battery, and he's pedalling at an even pace. The light is against him, so Broadway is buzzing, but he doesn't slow down, and I'm lookin' right at him as he raises his hands to his mouth, leans his head back and gives a hearty Messenger Yell, which echoed off the bottom of the freeway.

No hands, not lookin', feet still pedaling ­ right before my very eyes, he runs the light the wrong way. Cars buzzin' by just inches from him. No one honked; no one slowed down. When he reached the other side, he put his hands back on the bars and rode off out Battery.

A dispatcher said once about Crud. "I never send trainees out with Crud. He'd get 'em killed."

BITS AND PIECES

Did you hear the one about the Aero bike that went under a bus and they had to tow the bus away? The biker was knocked clear, but that iron tank of a bike just went under that bus and tore the hell out of it.

Did you hear the one about the biker who got in a scuffle with a semi-truck? When the biker flipped him off, the truck stopped, and the driver was this huge truckdriver-type dude, and the messenger beat the shit out of him.

Did you hear the one about... Oh well, gotta go, got tags to do. Don't ya hate it when that happens.

What is a seven-course meal for a Hanx? A six-pack and a 40-ouncer.