If you were born this month, then
you are going to live forever. Because one month in normal time
is three months in Voice Of Da time! And you thought the leap
year victims had it bad...
Aries
(Mar. 21-Apr. 19). You really should learn diplomacy, you piece
of shit. You're blunt and if wit were a knife you'd get bruised.
The Aries man is usually Frank, but sometimes he's Mikey.
Taurus
(Apr. 20-May 20). You are gentle and yielding (in traffic), but
only when everything is going your way and everyone is catering
to your whims. Strangely enough, that is not going to be the case
this month. Every car you encounter will cut you off, every line
you wait in will be long, and you'll run out of toilet paper at
the least opportune times.
Gemini
(May 21-June 20). Everybody loves you because you're bi, Gemini!
Wherever you go, people are trying to hit on you-often with Kryptonites.
Play Hard-to-get. In fact, play possum. Next time you're at the
Elbo Room looking to snag, drop to the floor and pretend to have
a heart attack.
Cancer
(June 21-July 22). Your symbol is the crab-go ask Nosmo about
his teenage crab experience. Be suspect of anyone you think is
trying to offer you hors d'orveurs in the near future. Especially
Aquarians. What seems to be a delicious snack may come back to
haunt you in the future.
Leo (July
23-Aug. 22). There is a basic conflict in your nature caused by
a static quality of a fixed sign with a highly active fire element.
In layman's terms, you like smoking hubba rock while doing track
stands. Stop it! Stay away from fixed gears, don't be a loser,
ride a cruiser. Be a boozer, not a drug user- or your lucky number
will be 6 (feet under).
Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sep. 22). Virgo is notorious for being lazy, so get that
hourly in-house bike gig. Go ask Northern Lights if they need
anyone, so you can chug coffee all day, memorize every brick in
Gold Alley, and still afford to buy your mate flowers. You must
strive to build your self-confidence to accept jobs gracefully.
Libra
(Sep. 23-Oct. 22) You don't like dirty work at all. Your hands
might be clean but your bike is suffering from neglect. The bottom
bracket needs to be repacked, your chain needs fresh lube, and
your wheels need truing. This means dirt. If you don't overcome
your dirt-grime phobia, your chain will fall off two times daily.
Your rear axle will break, and you will reincarnate as a pigeon,
only to be fried up at Harvey's.
Scorpio
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21). Why do security guards give you the evil eye?
How do they KNOW that you are up to something? Your fluctuations
between good and evil are extreme. You'll hold the lobby door
for a little old lady, only to trip her on the way out. This mischief
will never catch up with you, and you will always get off scott
free. You make me sick.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Licorice root can be substituted
for toothpaste. Garlic can cure gum infections. But these homeopathic
pleasures don't offer you that strange, elusive pleasure of being
strapped down and drilled full of holes. Maybe if you got into
more accidents, you could have even more dental work. Snap your
brake cables and ride exclusively on Bart grates.
Capricorn (Dec. 20-Jan. 19). If you are a bike messenger
and a Capricorn, you are obviously trying to over-compensate for
the responsible, ambitious, power-hungry, materialistic, dull-as-dirt
reputation that Caps have. Congratulations, you've succeeded,
but you'd do even better breaking the stereotype if you went on
to give all your money to Voice of Da, 785 Treat, SF CA 94110.
aquarius (Jan.
20-Feb. 18). You will travel to foreign lands, perhaps even the
human powered rollercoaster and never return. Meanwhile, we will
have a party. Ha, Ha! Later days, better futures. Bon voyage,
and don't come back!
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20). Pisces cannot abide to see the sufferings
of others, so y'all don't. You'd rather gamble with your friendships
than with money, and we can't wish you good luck, because we already
know you're going to lose. -S&@
Things got too much for author Kudno Mojesic.
He was arrested in the street outside his Belgrade [Jugoslavija]
home attacking cars with an axe, yelling 'Away with all cars-they
are the devil's work.'
-Sunday Mirror, London: 11 January 1976