Man, I Swore I Locked It Up Here...

So, you lock up, run inside and drop that tag. Come out and find your bike is GONE! First you shit yourself, freak out and get really, REALLY pissed off-all in 1.3 seconds!
First thing you do is call your dispatcher and tell them so everyone else in your company knows that your bike was just ripped off. Have everyone keep an eye out for it. Flag down some other messengers and spread the word. It can't be far away at this point so the more eyes that are on the lookout for it, the better. This is your best time and chance to get your bike back. Go to The Wall and tell the folks there. Bikes have a tendency to end up at UN Plaza so go there soon (or have someone else go).
Next, file a police report. This is really important because you (legally) can't do dookie without it. Make them take a report-even if they don't want to; it is your legal right (and their legal obligation) to do so. Give them a detailed description along with serial number and a picture if you have them. If your bike turns up in 6 months, you'll need this police report to get your bike back. Don't expect any sympathy from the cops and don't expect them to do much but- we'll get to that later. Make fliers-again with picture, if possible. Put them up in bikeshops, UN Plaza, The Wall-anywhere you can! Offer a reward, no questions asked ...blahblahblah. The following weekend go to swap meets, especially South Van Ness Swap Meet / Flea Market and the Oakland Flea Market. My bike was sold at the Oakland Flea Market about 1 month after it was stolen. Keep checking them for a while.

What Happened To My Bike?
Numerous theories abound depending on who you ask. Some people say the nice ones go to Mexico or Southern California and they send their stolen bikes up here to be sold. Some are stripped and repainted with new components and re-sold. Mine ended up across the Bay intact; they didn't even bother to change the tires or seat! I went on a safari to find my bike and talked to numerous homeless encampments. It wasn't pretty but, here's what I learned and saw:
1) Bikes, regardless of their value, are sold within homeless camps for $15-20, sex or drugs. So, your bike can bounce from encampment to encampment for a while. I saw some speedfreak riding around on a shiny, new, red Pro-Flex with XT equipment barefoot! They really don't care about the bikes themselves. Bikes are used as a medium of exchange.
2) Homeless people seek out bikes because they're easy to steal and sell, provide transportation and are rarely reported to the police. And if they are, little is done about it. They are a major source of revenue for them (I'm not being judgmental here-just stating the facts). I was told that, in general, they are hesitant to steal messenger's bikes because they are frequently found and they risk getting beaten up if discovered.
3) Some of them are scary. Most of the folks are approachable and will talk to you if you're nice, non-judgmental and non-threatening. You might learn something of your bike's whereabouts. Avoid the ones that are in another world. If you choose to do this, I strongly encourage you to go with someone else.

I Saw Someone On My Bike!
Option A: did you file a police report?
Yes: Go talk to them, if possible. Tell them that's your bike, it's stolen and you want it back and you filed a police report. It doesn't matter if they have a receipt that they bought it from Al Gore while he was on a recent visit to San Francisco. Call cops, if necessary. See below.
No: Dumbshit! See Option B
Option B: Go talk to them, tell them that's your bike, it was stolen and you want it back. Maybe you can offer them some money. $20 is a lot to some folks but, chances are, your bike is worth more than that. I've heard stories where people get their bikes back this way. The person who has your bike may claim that they bought it from someone. Split it with them. If this doesn't work then you're on your own recognizance. I'm not an advocate of violence. At the same time, there is a time and a place for all things. We've all done things we are not very proud of (I'll drink to that!-Spllr) so, act according to your own dharma. Master martial artists will tell you: most successful warriors use words as their most valuable tools.

Dealing With The Cops...
Be patient. The cops move like a constipated snail so expect it. Be nice and calm-the cops are on your side right now (hard to believe, I know). If a cop arrives and sees your bike with its new owner and you claim it's yours, they have to make a judgment call. Tell them that you filed a police report (if you did) and, hopefully, it will include the serial number and details. Ask them to impound it until you can produce witnesses' documentation. The case will probably be turned over to an Inspector who will contact you and ask you about your bike. This is your chance to make your case and get your bike back. Document all that you can about the bike-equipment, scratches, stickers- everything. Pictures are great! The frustrating thing is that you must do all the work to prove the bike is yours. You may have to lean on the cops a bit to act upon your evidence. They have more important things to worry about than your bike-like busting the most recent version of the Cannabis Club or stomping on bagels. Keep on them though because the squeaky cog gets the grease, but be polite. I believe I got my bike back because of two things: all the pictures I had and, I was nice and acted like a "victim" in the eyes of the cop. Hopefully you'll get it back.

Do Something Before It Gets Stolen!
Things to do:

• Write down the serial number! Write down the serial number!! It's your magic number with which you can prove it's yours. Store the numbers in the freezer so you always know where they are. You can also print them up on a card and carry it with you. This goes for all your gear too! This is really, REALLY important.
• Erik Zo recommends dropping a piece of stiff paper down the seat tube with your most recent address saying something like "This bike belongs to Erik Zo at Club Wheel, Incorporated..." If it's ever found, you've got a chance to at least get the frame back. Some folks also put a small piece of paper between the inner tube and tire of each of their wheels with this information since flat tires are the first and most common repair job brought into a bike shop for service.
• Have a friend take a picture of you and your bike together.
• Have the original receipt, if possible!
• Don't lean-lock your bike-ever!! Don't use those crappy brown bike racks at 1 Post and 850 Bryant-they fucking suck! Take the time to securely lock your bike to some thing. Squirt your Krypto in its happyhole with a shot of Tri-Flow once a month to keep the pins in the keyhole moving.

What Kind Of Bike Should I Ride?
There are 2 schools of highly debated philosophy on this one. You'll have to decide for yourself.
CHEAP BIKE SCHOOL
Never messenger on a bike that costs more than a day's pay. That way, if something happens to it, you're not out much money -- which is a truly harsh aspect of our jobs (have you paid this month's SFBMA Dues?). Besides, you don't have to maintain the thing much nor do you really care to. Easy.
Upside: Cheap and Easy. No worries. Who'd steal it anyway??
Downside: You'll be nursing it along all the time. Your life is on this thing.
NICE BIKE SCHOOL
Thinks the above is bullshit. You ride around on your bike for 8 hours a day. Why not have something that's nice with dependable components that work? It makes your job more enjoyable.
Upside: Dependable, eye candy, fun.
Downside: Shouts "Steal Me", You want a Sutherland's manual for your birthday.

Epilogue
I ended up getting my bike back 6 months after it was stolen from in front of 850 Bryant-yep, SFPD Headquarters. San Francisco is a small town. The person who saw it happened to be the same person who I bought it from 3 years ago! He recognized the bike, called the cops and a month later, I got it back. So, don't give up.

­Lye