Dear miss da Meaner,
My housemates claim to be punks; however, way too frequently I am forced to hear "Journey," usually with lip sync or sing-along accompaniment. Just knowing that these people have memorized all the words has me locking my door at night and eating Whiz Burger or the Grand Café for almost every meal for fear of catching this heinous illness. I also hover my ass above the toilet. They are perverts or broken. What should I do?
Wishing they WOULD go their separate ways,
Scared #471

DEAR SCARED #147,
It's all about retaliation!!!!! Find a song or group that is REALLY 80's and milk it, milk it, milk it! Duran Duran is one that we all know and won't admit to! You can tell your house mates in a loud Simon LeBon voice on your way to the kitchen that you're HUNGRY LIKE THE WOLF!!!
(her name is..) Miss Da Meaner (& she dances on the sand)

Dear Miss Da Meaner,
Car alarms are driving (pardon the pun) me insane! My neighbors should be grateful I don't have a shotgun or their Subaru's would be riddled with bullet holes. The kids across the street set car alarms off for entertainment and the mofo things always wake me up on the weekends. I used to break the windshield wipers off of offending vehicles; now, I'm thinking about pouring Coke on them to strip the paint. But I'm still deafened by the phreking things-what can I do?
Signed,
Alarmed in Alameda

DEAR ALARMED,
I must say that mayonnaise is cheep and stinky when cooked in the morning sun. Now that the time change gets the sun up earlier (as well as my freakin' cat!) that leaves plenty of time for mayo cookin' fun before da mister/madam selfish car owner comes out to discover the noxious mess on the hood of his/her car. Bologna due to its high salt content eats through car paint as well. Leave on overnight. Or just buy a slingshot or wrist-rocket. Front windshields are expensive. The person who owns the vehicle may not know why their windshields smashed or assume their damn car is waking up the neighborhood, but who cares. Maybe they should be pondering why an entire city block should go sleepless for their fucking car.
-Love, MDM

Dear Advice column:
On some days, when I feel lonely, I masturbate in Twinkies... One strange day, when I wasn't looking, I accidentally ate a Twinkie that had some, well, extra white filling in it... My questions are: is this wrong? Any nutritional value in this? Will I get any more pleasure from this than, say, using a Ho Ho?
-Love,KWINKEE DA TID

Dear KINKY THE ID,
Protein comes in many forms such as nuts, meats, beans and greens. You, my dear, have discovered another! Congratulations! No, it's not wrong. You should market it! Only use ho ho's if you got enough money to pay her or her pimp will kick your arse! Luck! -MDM

Dear Miss Da Meaner,
Are Xena and Gabrielle really lesbians or are they just teasing their male/lesbian audience? Please, I really must know!
Love, Home on Fridays.

Dear Homey,
DA! Did you not know that Freud says everyone is bisexual at birth and then boys fall in love with their mothers (Oedipus complex) and girls fall in love with their fathers (Electra complex)? Since Xena's a warrior princess, she can do what ever the hell she wants to! Would you argue to cleavage like that? Gabrielle is just always hangin' around being an annoying blonde. Xena has got to have someone to do when she is not whipping a warlord!
Love, Miss Da Meaner

Hey Miss da Meaner:
Why do cats love Zo bags so much? Beyond just sniffing them, what is their fascination with them and why must they sleep on them?
-Fuzzy Back

Dear Fuzzed,
I often have to ask my cat the same thing! (She loves my stinky Doc Martins too!) My guess is that the Zo bag is a carrier of concentrated stink! Think about it. You swing it around to take out your tag, and delicious armpit juices soak right in! Not to mention the Zo bag actually causes excess perspiration just sitting on your back all day. Even the excellent Miss DaMeaner gets the Zo inflicted sweat ring! Sure, you're covered in cat hair but your cat now smells of your b.o. That's fair.
glistening, mdm

Dear Miss Da,
Messengers and the media? Why is the world all of a sudden interested in us?
Signed, Squeak

Dear Squeak,
It is so fashionable to be a messenger now a daze isn't it? Well, the answer is the BIBLE LADY!!!! She gives Power Bar so much business that they asked her why she gets so many and she told them a messenger angel appeared in her rear view mirror and said: HEY! OUTTA MY WAY LADY! and she pulled over and saw that he had the HOTTEST legs dat she ever did see! she told every one about the strange visitor and word got out. You know how the media gets into a tiff about amazing stories... Well, that's how it happened folks. -MdM
PS. Did you ever see the Simpson's where Homer joins the Stonecutters? Well, replace Stonecutters with Longshoremen and us with Homer. I just hope they never commandeer a donut shop to start the No Messengers Club.

Write Miss Da Meaner with life's unsolved mysteries c/o this 'zine or e-mail:
dameaner@sirius.com

1. Must get cozier
2. Beyond help
3. Nooooo
4. Clippers
5. Fucking southpaws!
6. Shut the fuck up
7. Classical music and Gregorian chanting
8. His Celtic heritage
9. G Money G
10. Goddammit, I love Bok Choy and his ramblings.